Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Not poly, just slutty.

And I don't mean slutty negatively ... at all. There is NOTHING wrong with being slutty.

So I have spent the last year in a mono relationship with my husband, after us starting the relationship as members of a polycule. And I have figure out... Im not poly. I think I need to back up a bit...

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was about 18. Many of the symptoms of BPD (*Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use *Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless  *Fear of being alone *Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing) cause me to place a lot into other people for my self esteem, and I have balanced a lot and I mean A LOT of my self worth on sex and whether or not people want to have sex with me, find me sexually attractive or even remotely interesting. This has led me to looking outside of my relationships for that attention. I cheated... a lot.

 Now, when I realized that I did look outside of my relationships,I talked to my partners and we decided that a poly/open relationship was a good choice, and I was able to maintain a few poly relationships till the fear of abandonment caught up with me and I was convinced that my primary partner was going to leave me so I would FREAK out with jealousy and rage and not be able to cope with my life anymore. This is what happened with my most recent relationship. Luckily it worked out for the best for S and I, but it could have ended VERY badly. It turns out that I am a very jealous person when the crazy kicks in.

I thought that being poly would help/fix things, but it just delayed the inevitable. Im not poly, Im just slutty, and there's nothing wrong with this. I make a conscious effort everyday NOT to stray from my relationship parameters and so far we are doing well in that area.  I make a decision every day to recognize that my self worth doesn't come from the attention of others. Everyday I wake up and remind myself that my husband loves me, hes not going to leave (at least not anytime soon) and that I am worthy of his love. Sometimes I do want to stray, I do want the attention of someone else, more often than not I just want a shiny new toy that I know I will get bored with soon after acquiring it, then go crawling back to my partner. Instead of making that choice I choose to just write about torrid fictional affairs... it helps.

 I do still believe that I am capable of loving more than one person at a time, but I don't feel that I can maintain more than one romantic relationship at a time.

I would like to note that this is only MY journey with polyamory, should not be considered a blanket opinion on polyamory nor as a judgement against others. I am very supportive of the poly community and will continue to be. <8 b="">

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