National Infertility Awarness Week - Guest Post: Barren & Broke: Mia Pet

I was 14 the first time I had my "Aunt Flow" make an appearance in my life. It was anti-climatic to all the things I had heard & expected. I was at a friend's house for the night, I had to pee & when I looked down there was blood. I looked under their bathroom sink & luckily for me there was some pads down there. I put one in my underwear and went on with my day until the cramps started & I walked home. I awkwardly told my dad that I needed him to take me to the store to "buy girlie objects". 

I had NO idea what I was looking for because at that time in my life, my sister wasn't around much & my mom wasn't really in the picture. I had heard some horror stories about tampons (and being a virgin didn't think it was was a good idea at the time) so I bought some regular pads & some midol & went on with life.

The first time I tried using a tampon, was actually my dad's suggestion (can we say "awkward"?). I had just graduated high school & we were going to a water-park to celebrate. Unfortunately I was, what I started to refer to as "broken" (on my period) and didn't know how I was going to manage swimming. One of my friends who was there told me the basics, (after assuring me that my virginity would be fine) & I bought some. Easy peasy, right? Besides the uncomfortable-ness & the fear that everyone would know somehow, the day was great.

I should have known something was wrong when I was bleeding so much throughout the years & how bad the cramps were that midol couldn't even wave to across the street. It wasn't until long after I became sexually active and 2 miscarriages later that I found out I had endometriosis. By that time I was buying the largest pads I could find & also the biggest tampons I could think of (without being physically uncomfortable) & wearing both to stop the amount of blood my body was putting out. This isn't even bringing into the equation that my periods were never "Normal". I had light flow, I had heavy flow, I had weeks where I wouldn't have any... I didn't know what was wrong with me, except I felt "broken". Finally an amazing doctor in Tacoma (who delivered my brother!) finally suggested I may have this weird disease I had never heard of. Finally an answer to the multiple ovarian cysts, the impossible cramping, the anemia...

Over the course of that year I had 11 surgical procedures done. A diagnostic laparoscopy showed that this "Thing" had developed so badly it was attached to some of my other organs. Bring on a few D&Cs, an upper GI, a few colonoscopies (all the medications they put me on & blood loss did not agree with my stomach & my eating habits were atrocious), a presacral neurectomy (cutting a nerve in my lower back in "hopes of relieving some of the cramps") & finally an ablation after my 3rd miscarriage which just about broke my heart. Learning that my eggs were still ok, but I wouldn't be able to have any kids on my own was shattering. I can't even begin describe the darkness that crept in. Little did I know it was about to get darker.

I started bleeding again & though I was only 26 and didn't have any children (which is why my doctor was loath to do this sooner) they decided to do a full hysterectomy. In my mind that meant they were going to take one of the main things that made me "A woman". Thankfully they did it in time to catch my appendix being 3x the size it was supposed to be, so they took that out at the same time. 

I felt like a broken toy with missing parts. After the long healing process & discovering I couldn't even take estrogen because it made me sick, I started trying to be intimate with my boyfriend at the time. It was difficult because, although he was supportive of my health issues, he kept pushing me in more ways than one. "You're just being lazy, you're tough", "Let's have sex all the time, no matter how you're feeling", etc... He was emotionally abusive & a drunk and putting up with that on top of my own darkness was almost more than I could bear. Thankfully I had a good support system & finally put my foot down that I would not live that way anymore.

The cramps are still bad, even though I don't have the parts. I think it's phantom pains, or from the nerve they cut, or maybe even from the fibromyalgia I found out the same year I was suffering from. My heating pad is my best friend & there's nothing like a good cup of tea. Yoga is good for the muscles & meditation helps keeps the darkness at bay. Hot flashes are no picnic (picture this... There's 7 feet of snow on the ground & I'm outside in a tank top sweating to death while people tell me "I'm too young for menopause". I'm too young for a lot of things, but such is my lot in life). 

I've learned that I have the ability to tell my partners that while I'm attracted to them, I don't always want to/can't always have sex because it hurts. There are really good days & then there are days when I get a little rough with someone/cut myself shaving an intimate area & see blood & nearly have a panic attack. 

Like all things, it passes eventually. 

There are days when I see pregnancy announcements/baby shower invites from those near & dear to me & I want to scream/cry/laugh/rage, but then my compassion kicks in & I want to show love & support despite my breaking heart. I've been a nanny for a long time & I try very hard not to get attached because I know they're not mine. People say "well, you can adopt." I just got divorced & before that my ex husband had lost his job. Do these people understand how expensive adoptions are & the hoops you have to jump through just to be approved? "Well, have someone be a surrogate". They still have Doctor appointments, hospital stay & baby things you have to pay for. 

I went from Barren & Broken to Disabled & Divorced. 

I try to stay positive & it's not always easy, but for those who are struggling with the things I have already lived through, I need to say this: Never underestimate the power of a good shower. Don't wear white bottoms. Your own saliva takes out your own blood (cleaning skives). Talk to your doctor & BE HONEST! You will survive this. There is support. You're stronger than you think. 

Does pot make sex better?

Simple answer: Yes

Smoking or consuming marijuana before sex can increase how much one enjoys sex.
This is for a number of different reasons.

1.
Marijuana doesn't produce serotonin but it does affect a chemical in the brain called anadamide, which causes soothing sensations in the body when it reacts with THC. Mj also affects dopamine, a neurotransmitter involved in the brains pleasure producing mechanism. These 2 combined can lead to better sex.

2.
Its relaxing. Personally I feel more relaxed when I smoke, which allows me to let go, which leads to better orgasms.

3.
Its fun, which can lead to the giggles, and if you have never had giggly sex you are missing out.

Losing Your Virginity

I hate this phrase.... like.... a lot! I didn't misplace it, I know EXACTLY where I left it.


Honestly though, didn't lose anything when I started having sex. I gained knowledge. I gained a new understanding on a part of life that I was unsure about up until that moment. I gained a new level of intimacy with my partner, and a new way to be intimate with future partners. I will never see my becoming sexually active as a loss and I really wish we would stop teaching girls that it is a loss. Sex can be an awesomely wonderful experience when it is not clouded in shame. I hope that if/when I have a daughter she will not live in a world where there is so much shame around it. Until then I will keep telling the world how I feel and hope for the best!

Fiction Friday (on Saturday) Pt 1. Corruption

“Your soul will scream for mercy and you will have none...” He growled into her ear.

She shuddered and arched her back slightly trying to press her body against his touch as his long slim fingers traced a line from just behind her ear, down her neck and between her breasts. A small sound escaped her lips and a slight smile curled at the edges of her mouth.

“Promise?”

He through his head back and an unholy laugh ripped from his throat, he then leaned down and kissed her deeply. His fingers traced farther down her body, across the plane of her stomach stopping just before he reached the waistband of her panties. She whimpered and lifted her hips slightly urging him to keep going, instead his hand flew to her throat gripping it tightly.

“Do you think this is a game... that I wont destroy you...”

He runs the tip of his tongue across the line of her jaw. She closes her eyes and revels in the sensation of the cool hand against her throat, her breathing only slightly hindered by the pressure. She lets out a sound almost like a purr.

“Oh but I know you will... you already have” she says in a breathy moan. “You ruined me years ago, my destruction has been a slow one.”

Anger welled in his chest as he squeezed her throat a bit tighter, his other hand moved quickly to her hips, he dug his nails into the ridge of her hip and drug them down the side of her leg bringing the panties with. Slowly he releases her throat and lays kisses where his hand had been. She smiled and ran a hand across the top of his head, entangling her fingers in his hair.

He kissed across her collar bone and down her chest, before sinking his teeth into the sweet flesh of her left breast, she almost screamed but was quickly silenced as he let go and took her nipple into his mouth flicking his tongue over the little bud. His hand moved over the small patch of smooth skin before slipping his fingers between her legs circling her clit and smiling at how wet she already was. Her back arched when he found that almost perfect pattern of movement, he slowed and slid his fingers lower and slowly entered her, probing gently. She moaned loudly and stared up at him, his grin was wicked and oozing with evil. He removed his fingers and brought them to her lips. Without any hesitation she opened her mouth and suckled on his fingers tasting herself on him. He groaned feeling himself stiffen more, his cock as ridged as the cool alabaster he appeared to be carved from.

“Woman you will be the death of me...” he watched her haematic red lips part as she released his fingers he quickly caught her mouth with his. His tongue parting her lips and then exploring her mouth swirling around her tongue, sliding against her teeth. He moaned against her mouth as she snaked a hand down his stomach to the bulge in his leather pants. She tugged at the lacing and only struggled slightly before releasing him and begins to push the pants off his hips. He breaks their kiss and stands to lose the pants. He drops to his knees and crawls back towards her with a wicked grin.

She smiled back at him, she loved him. Everything in her craved him and his touch, he was like a drug to her, intoxicating and alluring. She had walked through hell to get to him more than once and would do it again if necessary. Whatever spell he had over her was strong and lasting. It was warm and heavy like the scent of vanilla and tobacco, it wrapped around her like a blanket and she reveled in it.

He moved with quick precision, hands running up her calves, over her thighs and to her hips. He pulls her to him and then pauses looking over her for a moment. She had a smile that would melt you if you were lucky enough for her to share it with you. Her eyes were blue, but not in a shocking or striking way, and yet still out of the ordinary, the centers a gray blue with an almost raven black blue ring at the outer edge. He leaned forward and kissed her sweetly before slipping into her with enough force to pull a moan deep from within.