"Let's stay friends."
"I hope we remain friends..."
"I don't want to lose you from my life..."
I both love and hate hearing those words from an ex, granted I am usually the one to push for friendship in the long run, but I do try to witr for the healing period to be over before perusing a platonic relationship. My most recent ex and I have decided to stay friends after our break up just a little over a month ago. It has been an interesting road. There have been arguments, there have been tears (at least on my side, dunno about him) and there has been a lot more or at least better communication between us than there was in the last 2 or so months of our relationship. He has pointed out things about myself that I didn't see and I have enlightened him about things that were issues for me from his side of the relationship. This has been the most open we have been with each other in the better part of the 4 years we have known each other.
So the question I pose to myself and to you all is this: Can Ex's successfully be friends?
I have really started to look at this, I have quite a few ex's that I consider myself to be friends with but how many of those relationships are successful? How many have lingering anger or resentment? How many have lingering Lust or love that supersedes a platonic level?
(not that there is anything wrong with sleeping with an ex or wanting to sleep with friends.)
How many of these friendships are forced and strained? Thats what I am really looking at right now. How many of my ex's am I actually friends with and how many am I kidding myself about?
Thoughts?
My personal experience is 'no.' It leaves one or both hoping or wanting more and makes it that much harder to get over someone. Trying to be 'just friends' with someone you are extremely emotionally attached to, in my experience, just leaves you feeling miserable and it typically has anegative consequences for future relationships.
ReplyDeleteThat said, it's going to depend on the type of relationships you pursue. I think honesty from the beginning of relationship is important. "I'm poly. I will not be monogamous even though I really, really care about you because i won't be happy." "I'm monogamous, I can't share you and be happy." People pursue a lot of relationships further than they should knowing that they're not going to work. Usually both partners are guilty of this, both hoping the other will change or accept what they literally can't without changing the person they are.
Personally, I find I'm kind of in flux about what I want so I tell people I don't want anything more than casual and I constantly check back in to make sure they are still ok with that. If i get the sense they're not, even if they don't articulate it I usually end things. It's not worth my mental health, or theirs.
Anyway, probably more than you were looking for but I've had this subject on my mind a lot lately.