Not poly, just slutty.

And I don't mean slutty negatively ... at all. There is NOTHING wrong with being slutty.

So I have spent the last year in a mono relationship with my husband, after us starting the relationship as members of a polycule. And I have figure out... Im not poly. I think I need to back up a bit...

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was about 18. Many of the symptoms of BPD (*Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use *Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless  *Fear of being alone *Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing) cause me to place a lot into other people for my self esteem, and I have balanced a lot and I mean A LOT of my self worth on sex and whether or not people want to have sex with me, find me sexually attractive or even remotely interesting. This has led me to looking outside of my relationships for that attention. I cheated... a lot.

 Now, when I realized that I did look outside of my relationships,I talked to my partners and we decided that a poly/open relationship was a good choice, and I was able to maintain a few poly relationships till the fear of abandonment caught up with me and I was convinced that my primary partner was going to leave me so I would FREAK out with jealousy and rage and not be able to cope with my life anymore. This is what happened with my most recent relationship. Luckily it worked out for the best for S and I, but it could have ended VERY badly. It turns out that I am a very jealous person when the crazy kicks in.

I thought that being poly would help/fix things, but it just delayed the inevitable. Im not poly, Im just slutty, and there's nothing wrong with this. I make a conscious effort everyday NOT to stray from my relationship parameters and so far we are doing well in that area.  I make a decision every day to recognize that my self worth doesn't come from the attention of others. Everyday I wake up and remind myself that my husband loves me, hes not going to leave (at least not anytime soon) and that I am worthy of his love. Sometimes I do want to stray, I do want the attention of someone else, more often than not I just want a shiny new toy that I know I will get bored with soon after acquiring it, then go crawling back to my partner. Instead of making that choice I choose to just write about torrid fictional affairs... it helps.

 I do still believe that I am capable of loving more than one person at a time, but I don't feel that I can maintain more than one romantic relationship at a time.

I would like to note that this is only MY journey with polyamory, should not be considered a blanket opinion on polyamory nor as a judgement against others. I am very supportive of the poly community and will continue to be. <8 b="">

Why do we cheat?

Why do we cheat? What drives us to sleep around? What pushes us into the arms of another lover?

Well I can't speak for everyone, or even every situation that I have been in but I do know why I keep going back to the same lover, even when it means hurting the ones I am with at the time. I want to say that I do warn partners about this person, but no one believes me. I tell them "If person X and I are in the same place, I will sleep with them" and partners always just smile and say "Aww you wouldn't do that to me" Well guess what? Person X and I were in the same place, I slept with him and now your pissed off at me, because you didn't listen. Should I have slept with PX? No. Am I alone in my fault? Nope, I gave you fair warning.

I have cheated for a few different reasons, I was unhappy with my partner's sexual performance, I wanted revenge, and in the case of PersonX because I am in love with him and we have had this on again off again thing for years. Its what we do, we hook up, talk about the future and make love. Love doesn't make what we do right, but it makes it worth it. I love him and he loves me. There will be more on PersonX later as the New Year goes on but for now, this is really all ya get for now.

Whatever your reason for cheating, please keep in mind what it will do to your partner when they find out. It hurts. It sucks. I have been cheated on and I hated it (which is why I warn people about PersonX). No one likes to be hurt. Examine the reasons why you want to cheat/stray, talk to your partner, maybe you can work something out with them.

I know what people say about me behind my back because of my actions. I am not proud, but I am happy with who I am. I wont apologize for doing what I have felt was right for me. I will apologize for hurting others though, for that I am truly sorry.


"Cant forget, wont regret, what I did for love..."