National Infertility Awarness Week - Guest Post: Barren & Broke: Mia Pet

I was 14 the first time I had my "Aunt Flow" make an appearance in my life. It was anti-climatic to all the things I had heard & expected. I was at a friend's house for the night, I had to pee & when I looked down there was blood. I looked under their bathroom sink & luckily for me there was some pads down there. I put one in my underwear and went on with my day until the cramps started & I walked home. I awkwardly told my dad that I needed him to take me to the store to "buy girlie objects". 

I had NO idea what I was looking for because at that time in my life, my sister wasn't around much & my mom wasn't really in the picture. I had heard some horror stories about tampons (and being a virgin didn't think it was was a good idea at the time) so I bought some regular pads & some midol & went on with life.

The first time I tried using a tampon, was actually my dad's suggestion (can we say "awkward"?). I had just graduated high school & we were going to a water-park to celebrate. Unfortunately I was, what I started to refer to as "broken" (on my period) and didn't know how I was going to manage swimming. One of my friends who was there told me the basics, (after assuring me that my virginity would be fine) & I bought some. Easy peasy, right? Besides the uncomfortable-ness & the fear that everyone would know somehow, the day was great.

I should have known something was wrong when I was bleeding so much throughout the years & how bad the cramps were that midol couldn't even wave to across the street. It wasn't until long after I became sexually active and 2 miscarriages later that I found out I had endometriosis. By that time I was buying the largest pads I could find & also the biggest tampons I could think of (without being physically uncomfortable) & wearing both to stop the amount of blood my body was putting out. This isn't even bringing into the equation that my periods were never "Normal". I had light flow, I had heavy flow, I had weeks where I wouldn't have any... I didn't know what was wrong with me, except I felt "broken". Finally an amazing doctor in Tacoma (who delivered my brother!) finally suggested I may have this weird disease I had never heard of. Finally an answer to the multiple ovarian cysts, the impossible cramping, the anemia...

Over the course of that year I had 11 surgical procedures done. A diagnostic laparoscopy showed that this "Thing" had developed so badly it was attached to some of my other organs. Bring on a few D&Cs, an upper GI, a few colonoscopies (all the medications they put me on & blood loss did not agree with my stomach & my eating habits were atrocious), a presacral neurectomy (cutting a nerve in my lower back in "hopes of relieving some of the cramps") & finally an ablation after my 3rd miscarriage which just about broke my heart. Learning that my eggs were still ok, but I wouldn't be able to have any kids on my own was shattering. I can't even begin describe the darkness that crept in. Little did I know it was about to get darker.

I started bleeding again & though I was only 26 and didn't have any children (which is why my doctor was loath to do this sooner) they decided to do a full hysterectomy. In my mind that meant they were going to take one of the main things that made me "A woman". Thankfully they did it in time to catch my appendix being 3x the size it was supposed to be, so they took that out at the same time. 

I felt like a broken toy with missing parts. After the long healing process & discovering I couldn't even take estrogen because it made me sick, I started trying to be intimate with my boyfriend at the time. It was difficult because, although he was supportive of my health issues, he kept pushing me in more ways than one. "You're just being lazy, you're tough", "Let's have sex all the time, no matter how you're feeling", etc... He was emotionally abusive & a drunk and putting up with that on top of my own darkness was almost more than I could bear. Thankfully I had a good support system & finally put my foot down that I would not live that way anymore.

The cramps are still bad, even though I don't have the parts. I think it's phantom pains, or from the nerve they cut, or maybe even from the fibromyalgia I found out the same year I was suffering from. My heating pad is my best friend & there's nothing like a good cup of tea. Yoga is good for the muscles & meditation helps keeps the darkness at bay. Hot flashes are no picnic (picture this... There's 7 feet of snow on the ground & I'm outside in a tank top sweating to death while people tell me "I'm too young for menopause". I'm too young for a lot of things, but such is my lot in life). 

I've learned that I have the ability to tell my partners that while I'm attracted to them, I don't always want to/can't always have sex because it hurts. There are really good days & then there are days when I get a little rough with someone/cut myself shaving an intimate area & see blood & nearly have a panic attack. 

Like all things, it passes eventually. 

There are days when I see pregnancy announcements/baby shower invites from those near & dear to me & I want to scream/cry/laugh/rage, but then my compassion kicks in & I want to show love & support despite my breaking heart. I've been a nanny for a long time & I try very hard not to get attached because I know they're not mine. People say "well, you can adopt." I just got divorced & before that my ex husband had lost his job. Do these people understand how expensive adoptions are & the hoops you have to jump through just to be approved? "Well, have someone be a surrogate". They still have Doctor appointments, hospital stay & baby things you have to pay for. 

I went from Barren & Broken to Disabled & Divorced. 

I try to stay positive & it's not always easy, but for those who are struggling with the things I have already lived through, I need to say this: Never underestimate the power of a good shower. Don't wear white bottoms. Your own saliva takes out your own blood (cleaning skives). Talk to your doctor & BE HONEST! You will survive this. There is support. You're stronger than you think. 

Does pot make sex better?

Simple answer: Yes

Smoking or consuming marijuana before sex can increase how much one enjoys sex.
This is for a number of different reasons.

1.
Marijuana doesn't produce serotonin but it does affect a chemical in the brain called anadamide, which causes soothing sensations in the body when it reacts with THC. Mj also affects dopamine, a neurotransmitter involved in the brains pleasure producing mechanism. These 2 combined can lead to better sex.

2.
Its relaxing. Personally I feel more relaxed when I smoke, which allows me to let go, which leads to better orgasms.

3.
Its fun, which can lead to the giggles, and if you have never had giggly sex you are missing out.

Losing Your Virginity

I hate this phrase.... like.... a lot! I didn't misplace it, I know EXACTLY where I left it.


Honestly though, didn't lose anything when I started having sex. I gained knowledge. I gained a new understanding on a part of life that I was unsure about up until that moment. I gained a new level of intimacy with my partner, and a new way to be intimate with future partners. I will never see my becoming sexually active as a loss and I really wish we would stop teaching girls that it is a loss. Sex can be an awesomely wonderful experience when it is not clouded in shame. I hope that if/when I have a daughter she will not live in a world where there is so much shame around it. Until then I will keep telling the world how I feel and hope for the best!

Tuesday Top 5: My Top Five Sex Toys

1. The Feel-Doe by Tantus - A silicone strapless strap-on, 4 different sizes and colors, both vibrating and not. Also the real-doe, in 3 sizes and realistic. The Feel Doe is a strapless strap-on, the has a bulb that  is inserted into the vagina allowing for stimulation from thrusting. I love this damn thing.

2. The We-Vibe 4 +  - The we vibe cause quite a stir when it came onto the market, currently on its 4th or 5th incarnation, the We-Vibe 4 plus is an awesome toy that is remote controlled, manually controlled or through an app on your phone. Its shaped like a "U" both ends vibrate, one can be inserted vaginally while the other sits on (Or near in my case) your clit. It can be used solo or during sex. My only complaint is that my anatomy isn't super well suited for the distance between the motors.

3. Shibari My Wand 10x - This is a massage wand similar to the hitachi and others like it. This thing is powerful, has different vibration patterns and honestly my go to when I just want to get off quick and move on with my day. Attachments are available for this.

4. Rope - No brand in particular, no type, just love rope. I love being tied up.

5. Riding Crop - This is another generalization, I love to be spanked so this is a wonderful implement for that.

Obsession with Evil

Somehow Hitler came up in conversation at work today, which always reminds me of my obsession with evil. I get off on the bad boys... and Im not talking like James Dean rebel without a cause bad boy, Im talking like... legitimate evil.

I have always rooted for the bad guy, in Phantom of the Opera, Christine should have ended up with the Phantom. Its just my particular bent  I  suppose. Something about evil, power and arrogance is just sexy. Not relationship material but fucking hot none the less.


I have never really stopped to examine this past a certain point, cause well fantasies exists as fantasies for a reason, and are rarely as good in reality as they are in our minds. Oh well... back to dreaming of strong hands, a wicked grin and world domination.

Past - A Note on Safer Sex

So we have all heard "There is no such things as safe sex, abstinence is the only way to protect yourself 100%" and while  this may be true, but there are ways to reduce the risk of disease transmission and prevent pregnancy.

On the note of pregnancy prevention, there are as many choices and options as there are stars in the heavens (for women) Everything from natural family planning methods to sterilization! Male birth controls have been in the works for years but nothing has been set in stone or ground breaking.  Not as many options exists for the prevention of disease transmission. You really only have barriers. Condoms (Both male and female), Gloves, and dental dams. Luckily these are all pretty easy to come across.

Testing regularly is also a good idea. I have a full STD Panel done once a year and again if I am changing partners.

My current partner and I are fluid bonded, and have been for 10 years. (Meaning we have exchanged bodily fluids). Now this only protects us if we use a barriers with other partners and if we are open and honest about who we are sleeping with etc. This also (obviously) doesn't protect against pregnancy. Currently since we are 18 hours away from each other, we are not really concerned with pregnancy prevention, but I prefer a natural planning method that utilizes things like you basal body temp, the consistency of your cervical mucus and keeping track of your period to predict ovulation, and your fertile/not fertile days.

So what are your thoughts on safer sex?

Consent.

Consent -

1. To give assent, as to the proposal of another; agree.

What consent is - Saying yes

What Consent is NOT - No, not tonight, maybe, saying yes then changing your mind, not saying no, being drunk, kissing someone, being nice, flirting, a short skirt, tight jeans, etc etc etc...

Why is consent important? Why do I think consent is important? Consent is important because if NOTHING else it is a way to avoid misunderstandings. It protects all parties involved. Consent may not always be sexy but it should always be the most important thing you have.

Why....

do i want to be in porn?

I keep getting asked this, I was talking to the husband about it last night. Someone asked me what my dream job would be and I said "Housewife/stay at home mom/porn star" which got laughs, but seriously, that's kind of my dream job. I mean throw accomplished writer in there too and it would be perfect. The follow up question is always "Why?" and not why do I want to be a mom/stay at home wife but why porn?

I guess it has to do with the fact that I like sex, that I want to change the industry to something more positive, that I like the money (not as great as you think kids) that I want body positivity to play more of a role in the industry. I want to make a difference in other people sex lives.

I know that I want to see more women like myself out there, curvy, "normal" tattoo'd women. I want to see more respect towards the female cast. I want to be a part of that change. Plus... I like sex.

Top 5: My Top 5 Fantasies

A top 5 of my favorite fantasies - some realistic some not so much

1 - Demons
      So I am sure that I deleted the post where I talked about my obsession with evil and how much it turns me on. I have dreams on the regular of a strong demon taking me with little to no regard for how I feel about the situation.

2 - Being worshiped.
      What woman doesn't want to be an object of desire and the center of attention.

3 - MMF 3some
      This one is pretty inline with the above, but also the element of having 2 cocks instead of one... 2 dominant men.... 2 sets of hands... 2 mouths... mmmmmmmmm

4 - Being Used
      Now this one is really a fantasy, I wouldn't ACTUALLY want to be used and abused then left, but the idea of  it is rather hot. I generally picture a strong male lead, lots of oral and a fast hard fuck before being left to ponder what had happened.

5 - The Boss
      I have fantasized more than once about sleeping with the boss, whether it be for a promotion or just the torrid affair, sweeping the contents of a desk top to the floor and fucking hard and fast before we get caught.


Something that is a constant theme in my fantasies is male dominance. While I do have a sadistic streak a mile wide and like to make boys cry, I just prefer my sex to be male dominated.

Book Review: Confessions of a Working Girl: A True Story by Miss S

I stumbled upon this one at Barnes and Noble about a year ago, having been watching "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" starring Billie Piper, I was rather intrigued. I shoved my card at the woman behind the counter who gave me a dirty look. I had been frequenting the Cheyenne WY B&N for a couple weeks now for coffee and their wi-fi and I wasn't a staff favorite I suspected.

I took the book and plopped down in the over-sized chair to read it, got through the first few chapters then abandoned it on the drive back to Colorado forgetting about the book for a number of months.

I picked it up again yesterday, taking it to work with me to fill in the void between calls at my, unusually quiet call center. I finished it today before lunch.

I was very pleased with how easy the book was to read, not in content but in I couldn't put it down. I have always been interested in what it was like to work in a brothel and Miss S doesn't blow smoke up your ass about what her experience was like. It was a nice read that went by all too quickly for me. The end of the book also has some sex tips and tips for working in a brothel/as a sex worker. All in all a compelling read and was worth picking up.

I do recommend picking this one up if you like Belle De Jour/Secret Diary

From Amazon Description:
"A university art student with rent money due, she spots an ad for a different type of student job - in a brothel. Offered a job on the spot, Miss S is amazed by her new working world. Suddenly, she can earn enough money doing something she is good at and get all the sex she needs."

Published Sept 1 2008

Not poly, just slutty.

And I don't mean slutty negatively ... at all. There is NOTHING wrong with being slutty.

So I have spent the last year in a mono relationship with my husband, after us starting the relationship as members of a polycule. And I have figure out... Im not poly. I think I need to back up a bit...

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was about 18. Many of the symptoms of BPD (*Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use *Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless  *Fear of being alone *Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing) cause me to place a lot into other people for my self esteem, and I have balanced a lot and I mean A LOT of my self worth on sex and whether or not people want to have sex with me, find me sexually attractive or even remotely interesting. This has led me to looking outside of my relationships for that attention. I cheated... a lot.

 Now, when I realized that I did look outside of my relationships,I talked to my partners and we decided that a poly/open relationship was a good choice, and I was able to maintain a few poly relationships till the fear of abandonment caught up with me and I was convinced that my primary partner was going to leave me so I would FREAK out with jealousy and rage and not be able to cope with my life anymore. This is what happened with my most recent relationship. Luckily it worked out for the best for S and I, but it could have ended VERY badly. It turns out that I am a very jealous person when the crazy kicks in.

I thought that being poly would help/fix things, but it just delayed the inevitable. Im not poly, Im just slutty, and there's nothing wrong with this. I make a conscious effort everyday NOT to stray from my relationship parameters and so far we are doing well in that area.  I make a decision every day to recognize that my self worth doesn't come from the attention of others. Everyday I wake up and remind myself that my husband loves me, hes not going to leave (at least not anytime soon) and that I am worthy of his love. Sometimes I do want to stray, I do want the attention of someone else, more often than not I just want a shiny new toy that I know I will get bored with soon after acquiring it, then go crawling back to my partner. Instead of making that choice I choose to just write about torrid fictional affairs... it helps.

 I do still believe that I am capable of loving more than one person at a time, but I don't feel that I can maintain more than one romantic relationship at a time.

I would like to note that this is only MY journey with polyamory, should not be considered a blanket opinion on polyamory nor as a judgement against others. I am very supportive of the poly community and will continue to be. <8 b="">

Short Story - Home Coming by Rhiannon Bowen-Mackey (Rose Thornes)

Homecoming...

 His fingers trailed down her body as she laid there watching him. She had agonized about this  moment for weeks, months even. She wanted this so, much she couldn't even think straight the last days before he got there. Her pussy would ache just at the thought of his touch and her heart would break thinking about him leaving again.

 They had be separated for a year now by the better part of the country, he had moved away when he joined the military. She loved him so very deeply and now he was back in her arms. She smiled down at him as he laid sweet kisses across her belly as he moved down her body. As he reached the line of her underwear he looked up at her with that wicked grin she had grown accustom to over the years.

 She watched him as he hooked his fingers into the line of her panties and slowly pulled them down her hips and off of her legs. Slowly he kissed back up the inside of her thigh and lays the sweetest, most gentle kiss on her lips before slowly probing her with this rough wanton tongue. Rose arches her back at his touch and a soft moan escapes her lips. Too long has she waited for this, quickly growing impatient she bucks her hips against his movements drawing closer to the first orgasm. The white light behind her eyes was blinding as she came. He groaned as he lapped up her sweet juices.

 Jay moved and positioned himself above her ready to enter her with his large cock. She never realized how much she could miss one man's member so much. Her hips lifted as he slid into her tight waiting pussy. His movements were slow and deliberate. She wanted him to move faster inside her, she was hungry for him and needed to him just let go and take her, Rose moved her hips in time with his, as their pace increased so did the warmth in her belly and the aching need for a second climax. The sweat glistened on their skin during their lustful dance, she was so close to reaching the point of no return when he stopped pulling out coaxing her to flip onto her hands and knees reentering her roughly with the passions high. Jay pounded into her fast and hard now both moaning loudly and screaming. God she missed this. Soon they were both coming together, as they collapsed into a heap on the bed she cooed sweetly at him and kissed his forehead.

 “Welcome Home...”

They laid there together for some time just enjoying each others company. After a bit Rose sat up and smiled down at Jay.

           "Should we go grab some dinner babe?" She asked sweetly. She watched as he mulled it over in his head, he nodded and stood pulling on his jeans and t-shirt. his arms encircled her waist and he pulled her close kissing her neck.

           "But only if I get you for desert!" He whispered against her neck. He knees felt weak all over again, Rose giggled and nodded. 

No sex drive

For the last few weeks I have been dealing with the fact that I have had no sex drive what so ever. It sucks! I feel terrible, like I am neglecting my hubby. He is being as understanding as he can but I know he is frustrated too since I have no idea what is going on. I figure it has to do with depression and stress.

What I have found that helps is catching him earlier in the day, not just at bedtime. By the time we are crawling into bed I have no desire to do anything but sleep. Also watching porn together has been helpful, Im not sure that its the porn itself or just the both of us working together on a common goal lol.

Mornings are the worst, as I am waking up is not the time I am wanting to be grabbed at and groped lol. I just want my coffee so I can get ready to go to work. I am NOT a morning person at all.

On the upside things seem to be getting better for me, I am not as put off by the idea of having sex so that is a major bonus. I am looking at going back on anti-depressants as well which should help a great deal.

How do you combat no sex drive??