Modest.

The more I say the word modest the more foreign it sounds in my brain. This word had been a part of my life during childhood, my mother always telling me I needed to be more modest and cover up my body. Hide. Then in the same breath she would berate me for wearing baggy clothes and not taking pride in my appearance. 

As a teen I moved away from baggy clothes and embraced crop tops, tight jeans short skirts  and doing anything I could to show off my body and create the illusion of having cleavage (I had nothing in the boob department till I was in my 20s). 

When I started covering my hair about a year ago I also started exploring a more modest style of dress and trying to find a way to dress modestly and still look and feel sexy. I rebelled against my own desire to cover up and did a swing back to my teen years, but now having 2 men in my life who seem to appreciate my modest inclinations and covered hair I am actually starting to feel sexy even when I wear a long sleeved shell, tank and floor length skirt. I had stopped covering my hair over the summer, and really felt like something was missing.  

This was weird to me since covering had been new for me to begin with but this feeling of something missing tells me I am on the right path. I am slowing weeding out my closet and getting rid of a lot of clothes that I just don't feel comfortable in anymore. While modesty seems to usually be a religious concept I struggle finding any community as my desire to dress in a modest fashion isn't influenced by faith. I am still not sure where this journey will take me but I am enjoying the ride.